There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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