I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
This house was built for laser tag.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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