you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
