I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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