you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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