Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
All I want is dick and wine.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Randomize
