You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
