I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
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my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
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Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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