I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
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Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
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THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
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