apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
