Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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