i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
