I've blown a few things in my day
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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