My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
