you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
