This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
