I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
