Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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