Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
