Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
