I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
