i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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