You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
i out mim tonsoeep
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