So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
