This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
