Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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