My sheets look like a crime scene.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
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But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
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Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize