did you get engaged???
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
