is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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