No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
The best revenge is premature balding
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
