Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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