I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
