My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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