and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
