This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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