Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
