the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Life is so much better after having sex.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
