So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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