i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
