four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
