I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
