i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
