Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
