You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
