I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
This baby is an asshole
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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