I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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