The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
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Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
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Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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