remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
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You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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