I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
