I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
