Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Be still, my beating vagina.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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