Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
