my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
