someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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