just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
