i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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