if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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