Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
