Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
