She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
