What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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