If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
